Is not what we hoped for

This post is probably going to be the most I have ever vented on our blog so please just bare with me while I get it all out. 

Ever since Nathan has come home from deployment we have been desperately trying to have a baby. 

Well it isn't working out the way we had hoped for.
After a couple of months and about 3 pregnancy tests later, we are NOT pregnant. 

We are trying like crazy to not even think about it, but how can you not think about something you want so badly. We are trying as much as we can to get pregnant and it just seems like it is not happening for us.

I see so many women that are finding out they're pregnant or they are having babies and I want the same thing so badly. I see so many families that have the perfect lives; a big growing family, their own home, etc... I want to start a family with the man I love more than anything. We are not getting any younger and we want our own family, to grow with and to change together as we grow. 

I know a lot of people are wondering why we want to have a baby right now, being that we are so young. But I say, what does age have to do with anything? I married the love of my life at 18 years old, and we have already spent the first year of our lives together and we are just as madly in love now as we were then. 

Hell, my father would even have a heart attack if he knew we were even trying for a baby. Nathan and I completely understand that we should be settled and have everything straightened out first before throwing a child into the mix but when are you ever settled, when is everything honestly straightened out enough to have a child? If that is the case then about 98% of the world should have never had children, including my own parents. 

I have just been so stressed out lately because unfortunately we recently got some bad news... Nathan has just switched to a new Battalion because his old Battalion was dissolved and unfortunately they are due to deploy again in January-February time frame of next year, 2013. I am actually terrified to death to get pregnant now because the baby would be due while he is gone.

Granted, Yes I would be completely ecstatic if we got pregnant RIGHT NOW, but it scares the living day lights out of me to know that my husband won't be here to see our first child born. I knew this would happen when we got married but I guess I was hoping that maybe he would be home at least long enough for the entire pregnancy and birth. 

I guess I was wrong to hope for that... 

When we found out he was due to deploy again soon, we made the decision that if I were to get pregnant I would go home to stay with my parents so they could help out and so I wouldn't be alone and trying to deal with a pregnancy while Nathan was gone. It would not only cut out a rent bill but we could completely pay off our loans, credit cards, and possibly save a ton of money and could hopefully start looking to buy our own home shortly after he would be due back home.

I guess I am just scared to go through a deployment again, knowing that the first was absolutely terrifying because of his job. I guess you could say that I HATE my husband's job in the military, he didn't exactly choose one that allows him to stay in a safe zone area for the deployment. No, he works directly with Afghans and hell I guess you could say he even has to train their police. I honestly wish he would change his MOS but he loves his job and if it makes him happy then I guess I can't complain too much. 

But yet, I am still terrified...